There is an election on. How is it you’re heading south? Well, we kinda face to the west and real sudden-like turn left.
I never expected that call. Out of the blue-gray October sky, George Soros sent a signal from the orbiting satellites to my cell, inviting me to Mexico to meet and greet his caravan of “criminals” (Trump’s words, not his; George called them freedom fighters). Mr. Soros recognized my Jewish last name, and perhaps I’ve been known to possess a slightly liberal bent? How could I refuse? So Sai and I planned our trip to Cancun, more or less, for a week later. We would give up our American dineros to these tired travelers, helping them reach their goal of USA / MAGA. In exchange for our dollars, we’d be pampered at an all-inclusive resort, exploiting the cheap Mexican laborers who maintained the facilities, fed us, housed us, and brought me mas cervezas y tequilas.
And that’s just how it happened. Except for the part about the Soros call and the freedom fighters. That was just inserted by an Infowars hacker. Sai asked if I wanted to go to Cancun at the tail-end of their hurricane season. I proposed somewhere farther away from the hurricane path, like the Dominican Republic. She overruled me and booked us at the Dreams Riviera Cancun Resort, which is not in Cancun, but in Puerto Morelos. I believe Morelos translates to Cancun More or Less, because it’s close enough to the touristy party place (same great weather, as long as there isn’t a hurricane coming) with slightly smaller crowds and more family-friendly. Teddy was a little disappointed, as he’d hoped to hobnob with some young hotties, but like me, he was overruled by Sai.
And yes, we booked our trip to get out of the country during election day, but we were able to cast our votes via absentee balloting the day before we left. Assuming Virginia is more honest than Georgia, our votes counted toward something (take that, Barbara Comstock!).
I feared our early morning flight would be a three-plus hour marathon torture (is there any other kind?) with Teddy being tired and grumpy. Fortunately, he only had the energy for a half-marathon, and slept for the other half of the ride. Having now taken the babe on two international trips, I can confirm that a three-hour flight beats a twelve-hour flight every time. Sorry Japan.
Mexico greeted us with warm, wet weather, with heavy rains filling monster potholes on the roads leading to the resort. I’m pretty sure it was still sunny in Punta Cana, but dared not suggest as much to el jefe, Senora Sai. At check-in we were invited to participate in some sort of timeshare presentation to earn extra resort credits or something. We agreed we’d think about it and get back to them, which was our subtle way of saying no way. The all-inclusive covered all meals and drinks. What else could we need? For my part, I wanted three things from the week: 1. Beer (also known as Cerveza, por favor). 2. Opportunity to run (I still had a big race coming up in two weeks from our day of arrival). 3. Quality Family Time with Sai and Teddy (had to throw that one in there, right?). Knowing my wife, I expected her priorities to be Food, Shopping, Spa. Unfortunately for her but lucky for me, there is not much to shop for within the resort (since everything is paid for), except for spa treatments, which are grossly over-priced to the point where even she wouldn’t consider it. So that left her with eating. During our seven days, six nights, Sai would gain several pounds. On the opposite side of the spectrum, I found a way to lose weight during the same timeframe, but I won’t reveal my secret this early in the report. (If you want a hint, it rhymes with Zontemuma’s Verenge.)
Our hotel room was not going to be ready for a couple of hours, but we were free to roam the resort, bouncing between the different bars, lounges and restaurants in the interim. Late lunch at the Seaside Restaurant brought me a beef burrito and Sai some fajitas (cuando en Mexico…). Smaller portions than I would have expected. Is it because I’m an American glutton and used to excessive supersizes? Or were they just skimping on us? You’re welcome to order extra orders, so you will never go hungry. I did overhear a guy at a nearby table order four plates of wings at one time; these weren’t exactly tapas, so the guy did qualify as a pig. During our few hours of waiting, Sai demonstrated her famous patience by continually checking back to see if our room was yet ready (it wasn’t). What are you supposed to do at an all-inclusive resort without a room? Did I mention plenty of restaurants and bars?
When our room was finally ready, we were rewarded with a nice seaside view away from the action of the resort pools. It was a very nice room, except for the AC not working very well, the toilet water running, a leaking balcony door, and inconsistently hot water in the shower. But I’m not one to complain. I have a wife for that.
The beach was covered in seaweed, which the resort did its damnedest to clean up, running a tractor back and forth constantly, collecting the crap. I assume they then dumped it onto the adjacent property, where the tides took it back before flowing it onto our beach again. It seemed like a lost cause.
There were multiple pools, ranging from six inches deep up to four feet. The infinity pool beside the seaside restaurant featured a swim-up bar and the bulk of the non-family patrons. The shallower pools or the one with the basketball hoops hosted most kids.
There is a kids club playroom for kids older than Teddy. Unable to abandon him to the supervision of the resort, we did spend an hour “watching” him run around with the bigger kids, while we napped nearby. (If you sleep with one eye open, it’s possible to do both). They had a ball pit, puzzles, stuffed animals, blocks, etc. Teddy found it entertaining and didn’t hurt himself, so it was a win to me.
A quick run-down on the restaurants: Seaside Grill is located seaside, beside the beach. Creative naming. It featured standard fare for lunch (the burritos / fajitas mentioned previously, steak sandwiches, etc.). Their dinner boasted of decent steaks. Beside Seaside, Oceana offered seafood options for lunch and dinner. Sai liked their whole fish lunch option. Their fish tacos were edible. There is a nearby serving area offering pizza by the slice and hot dogs for those uninterested in a sit-down restaurant experience. On the other end of the resort are Bordeaux, a fancy French restaurant only open for dinner, and unwilling to accommodate children; El Patio, a Mexican restaurant willing to accommodate everyone willing to drink tequila; World Café, a buffet style restaurant featuring all kinds of fares; Portofino, an Italian restaurant; and Hibitsu, an Asian restaurant under renovation and unavailable to us, much to the disappointment of a certain Asian patron accompanying me.
World Café had the most seating of anywhere, and bountiful options. It became our usual morning go-to for pancakes, waffles, French toast, eggs, fried plantains, fruit, hash browns, omelets, crepes, smoothies, donuts, and whatever else I might be in the mood for on a given day. They had fresh-squeezed orange juice, and a sweet-flavored green concoction. When I asked a waiter what was in it, he smiled and whispered “Marijuana”. I nearly fell out of my chair, especially when he came over to the table and told Sai the same thing, before instead listing a bunch of less exciting fruits. The ganja juice was good, whatever it was.
Seaside and Oceana were our usual lunch options, with Sai sticking with her fish dish whenever possible. For dinner, the filet mignon at Seaside was good, especially with the chimichurri sauce.
Portofino was one of our dinner experiences, with an average Italian meal. Eating Italian in Mexico is like eating Mexican in Italy. Sure, it’s possible, but when in Rome, why eat tacos? Teddy agreed, and was at his worst behavior at Portofino. Afterwards, I had a newfound respect for Bordeaux’s anti-children policy.
El Patio was my favorite restaurant, because the server was so much fun. He insisted on bringing me a shot of tequila with my cerveza, had another beer ready before the first was finished, and even handed me roadies for the long walk back to the hotel room (that’s a beer for the road, not a concert stage setter upper). The food was interesting, with authentic-sounding Mexican dishes from different regions, and our waiter redirected us if we ordered the wrong thing. Seeing as it was all-inclusive, there were no ulterior motives in upselling dishes or anything.
The resort also had a very nice fitness center, with six (6) functional treadmills! This may not sound like a big deal to you, but I’ve run on some sketchy machines in Thailand and South Africa. I know I should have run on the beach or raced through the dangerous neighborhoods, but I am a pollo, and when your stomach is upset, having an adjacent bano is pretty convenient. They had pitchers of cold (filtered?) ice water and chlorophyll water, whatever that is. From my experience, I’m pretty sure it’s a diarrhetic.
Day one was a bit of a wash with steady rains, but we were tired from our travels anyway, and only wanted to settle in. Day two picked up where the previous day left off, with early morning rains that woke Teddy around 6:30 a.m. I helped him out of bed to go run around the room on his own, but he quickly wiped out and started crying. Picking him up, I was disgusted by the fact that he was soaking wet (did he fall and somehow pee all over himself?), before discovering that our balcony door not only showed a view of the sea, but allowed its own body of water into the room. The entire floor before the door was a giant puddle, and slippery, as Teddy could attest (if by attest you accept his soaking wet pajamas and upset demeanor as evidence – his English is limited and his Spanish more so, though I did get him to say a lot of Holas during the week). The rain stopped mid-morning, and we were able to take Teddy to the pools and beach in the afternoon. He did not like any of these water features any better than the hotel room puddle on his first full day of the trip. No further rain the rest of the week.
Teddy warmed to the warm water more on the subsequent days, easing his way into the Sea (Caribbean) after playing in the sand, and jumping from pool to pool chasing whatever ball was closest. Our routine quickly became a rinse and repeat of eat, go to the beach, eat, nap, go to the pool, take a shower, eat, and sleep. Between the nap, pool and shower, I’d try to sneak away for a run on the treadmill. Between and during meals, we’d drink. Wine or cocktails for Sai, cerveza por favor for me. The beer selection was limited and I drank Modelo Especial, Modelo Negra, or Corona for the most part. Not good beers by any means, but better than Bud (which was also on offer).
Our only excursion outside the resort was a quick cab ride to the Croco-Cun Zoo, where Teddy got to feed parrots, turtles, monkeys and deer, and see and touch crocodiles, snakes, hairless dogs, and iguanas, as well as view some larger crocodiles, snakes, big cats and coatis. It was a cute little zoo with a private tour guide who told us all about the rescue animals and different species on display. The hairless dogs were creepy. There were countless crocs separated by size into different pens. There was a humongous Burmese python (not a natural), and a not as big but even scarier Fer-de-Lance.
There are plenty of other excursions available to Chichen Itza or Tulum to see ancient Mayan ruins, or Playa del Carmen for shopping, or Cenotes (sinkhole caves), or other adventures, but they were not included in the all-inclusive and required leaving the safety of our resort and wrestling with a fussy boy (plus his fussy mom). The purpose of this short trip was to relax, so we opted to stay in and eat, swim, drink, nap, eat, sleep, etc., as previously described. Being the cheapskate that I am, I also refused to participate in the timeshare sales presentation offered by the resort.
We did spend a couple of hours individually enjoying the Aqua Treatment at the spa (Sai went in the morning while I watched Teddy, and we swapped roles later in the afternoon). They send you to different stations for sauna, steam room, and jacuzzi-pools for jets to treat your feet, legs, neck, shoulders, and back. It was quite relaxing, but then again, any time away from chasing Teddy is generally calmer.
After dinner there were usually entertainment shows to watch. One night it was a troupe of dancers doing break dance, light shows, jump rope, giant hula hoops, and other acrobatic activities. Teddy was intrigued by the flashing lights and loud music, but still fell asleep mid show (the kid just can’t handle the late nights). Another evening featured more traditional Mexican dancers. Another show was a whip-cracking Texan snapping cheesy jokes like a whip, fast and furious (wow, that was a weak simile). There is a late-night club as well, but like our sleepy child, Sai and I lacked the energy to check it out.
The grounds of the resort host multiple daily weddings. They offer different settings on the beach, around the pools, in front of the lobby, at a gazebo, or elsewhere. Every time we’d turn around, there was another wedding party setting up or getting down. And Teddy was a big fan. After one of my treadmill runs, I found Sai and our son hanging out front of our building, playing on a grassy field, with the party music soundtrack in the background. The wedding guests were all hanging out in their private party section, dressed slightly fancier than Teddy’s beach outfit. I watched the bride and groom walk over to their event, greeted by their theme music, friends and family, and then wondered why they had a tail named Teddy running behind. Sai quickly ran over to retrieve our little party crasher. After dinner on another evening, I lost my family when I returned from one of my many bathroom breaks. Ten minutes later, Sai carried a crying Teddy away from the beach wedding party he’d tried to infiltrate. I don’t blame him. They played a lot of fun party songs: Living on a Prayer, Sweet Caroline, Don’t Stop Believing, Ice Ice Baby, etc. Unfortunately, it seemed like every group shared the same DJ, because they all played most of the same songs. (Now and then a party would mix in some country music or even a Mariachi song or two).
Overall, Dreams Riviera Cancun was a beautiful resort, even if it wasn’t really in Cancun. All-inclusive is a stress-free way of spending a relaxing week at the pool / playa. The Mexicans were very friendly. I didn’t see any cartel or caravan action. I guess we were treated by their best, because all of their worst are being sent across the southern US border.
The End. Wait, I’m forgetting something. Oh yeah, the reason I recommend never going to Mexico! I know you’re not supposed to drink the water. I’ve heard it’s bad. But I’ve also heard that a lot of places actually serve filtered water, and everyone else was drinking it, and my stomach survived three trips to Thailand (though I believe I suffered some bouts of diarrhea each time)… I drank the water. I also had drinks with ice. I should have listened to Dave Matthews (Don’t Drink the Water), but I always assumed he was singing about South Africa, and I survived their water without too much gastrointestinal distress. El agua de Mexico es mal (like my Spanish).
By day three, I started to realize that my stomach was starting to have serious issues. I interrupted my treadmill run twice to use the restroom next door. By day four, I couldn’t string together more than a mile at a time without a bano break. I also woke up in the middle of the night needing to go, and filled in during the day with close to a dozen stops. I was particularly annoyed when I had to fidget with the faulty toilet flusher in the middle of the night after one such round. By day five, I was in serious pain whenever I had to walk (or try to run), plus excruciatingly chafed from every wipe. Sai offered me some charcoal tablets with Thai instructions to take three at a time, three times a day, but she did not translate the instructions for me until a few days later (after I’d been popping one at a time). She gave me a probiotic at one point, that seemed to help, but then she told me she lost the bottle, leaving me to struggle without. The thought of food was causing me stress, such that one day I opted to eat something simple, like salad. Then Sai pointed out that lettuce is washed in the same toilet water that I’d been drinking, so that I was only making things worse.
I understand where the Can in Cancun comes from. But what is Montezuma’s problem?
Montezuma, also known as Moctezuma II, was the last ruler of the Aztec Empire, killed by his own people after being conquistadored by Cortes’ Spaniards in 1520. I guess the revenge is that subsequent visitors to Mexico are struck with GI go to the bathroom problems to make up for those sixteenth century invaders who ended their civilization? Seems fair enough. Except the Aztecs were central Mexico, around the present-day Mexico City. They never ranged as far as Quintana Roo, on the Yucatan Peninsula, which was part of the Mayan Empire. (Cancun and Puerto Morelos are in QR). Montezuma has no right to range his revenge this far east. Now the Mayans suffered a similar raw deal from Spain, so I can accept the idea of Maya’s revenge, except I don’t know of any famous Mayans like Mr. Zuma. Per Wikipedia, the Mayan Empire peaked around six hundred years before the Spanish arrived anyway. So what gives? Present-day Mexicans have no right to poison their northern neighbors because we are so good to them… Oh yeah, our President. Never mind.
Traipse Reports - Trips and Races 