Blech Lager

As I lay here, bedridden again, laid up with what some would wrongly assume is this most virulent strain of influenza tormenting the general population this year, hopped up on Tamiflu and Tylenol and DayQuil and orange juice, cold and achy and nauseated and nauseous and light-headed and generally miserable, I have to blame Flying Dog Brewery.

Blasphemy from me! I know, ordinarily I’m with you in steadfastly believing that beer is the solution to all of life’s problems, as Homer so astutely observed many years ago.  And I practice my fair share of beer snobbery in supporting the local microbreweries, such as Maryland’s Flying Dog.  But last week, I purchased putrescence in a pack of six, and I blame sipping of the same for my current suffering.

Snake Oil Black Lager sounded a little weird, but lagers are generally pretty sessionable, at least relative to the IPAs and DIPAs. Mom’s overpriced grocery store did not have a great selection, so I grabbed the lager feeling it would be a safe pick to get me through the next couple of days of marital bliss.

Blech! For lack of a stronger sentiment of disgust.  One sip of Snake Oil, and I knew something was not right.  Then I read the smaller print on the label, and it all came clear.  Brewed and finished with fish peppers.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?  I eat fish on occasion, and the Thai wife loves plenty of peppers, but I’d never combined the two in a fish pepper, nor considered it a proper additive to my favorite beverage.  But fish pepper perfectly describes the outrageous flavor that assaulted my taste buds instantly.  I know that it is a party foul or faux pas to throw away beer, but after a single sip, I was through.  The remaining 11 ounces went down the drain to contaminate the local water supply.  The EPA used to recommend flushing responsibly, and disposing of nasty liquids at your local household hazardous waste facility.  Under Pruitt, the instructions are more simply flush off.  (Did you know that the reverse of the EPA is APE?).  Not that I would trust locally caught fish anyway, but if you do, and your next catch tastes disgustingly spicy, yeah, that one was my bad.

So the fish pepper apparently used to be a big thing in Baltimore. It came from the Caribbean, and peaked in local popularity around a hundred and twenty years ago.  https://www.pepperscale.com/fish-pepper/  It’s up to 12 times hotter than a jalapeno, and was popular for seasoning seafood dishes such as crabs and oysters.  Why Paige and Brian of the Flying Dog sales team felt it appropriate to bring this heat, pitching this flavor, which I quickly pitched into the sink, I cannot fathom.  It’s part of their Brewhouse Rarities collection, which is a good thing, as I don’t want this stuff taking over the shelves at my local non-Mom’s grocery stores.

This beer has changed my life. I used to believe that even shitty beer beats no beer, but I haven’t been able to go near the stuff since that first mouthful.  Is it possible that not all beer is nectar of the gods?  Or is there even a god?  Who would allow such a travesty to occur?  If only Yuengling had put out this black lager, I could link it all back to Trump.  Flying Dog is a big proponent of freedom of speech (defending their Raging Bitch Belgian IPA label), so I won’t paint them with that same evil orange brush.  By the way, Raging Bitch?  Good beer.

Instead, I just want to put out this public service announcement to both my readers to prevent them from suffering the same sickness as me. This stuff is highly toxic!  My wife and young child actually became ill before me, just from airborne particulates from when I opened the first bottle.  They weren’t even in the same room!  (I know what you’re thinking:  the flu bug is going around, Sai and Teddy and Ben all got it, and it has nothing to do with a poisonous fish beer.  But no.  Is it a coincidence that poison and poisson are so close?  Yes.).  Trust me, stay away from Flying Dog’s Snake Oil Black Lager!  And you should probably avoid Mom’s Organic Grocery store too.  That place is way overpriced.  Sure, you can blame the buyer for not reading before buying, but when you’ve got a flying dog, snake oil, and fish peppers all on one label, would you know what to expect anyway?  We’re talking three different animals, incongruously combining in one beverage!  Yeah, again, my bad, probably should have just waited to go to a regular grocery store for a more standard offering (one of the joys of living in Virginia).  But isn’t the stuff they sell at Mom’s supposed to be good?

Alas, I believe I will survive this ordeal, and will live to type another long-winded rant about something else soon enough. But first things first – what do I do with the last five bottles?