Returning to South Africa

I went to South Africa in the summer of 2016 (their winter), to run the Comrades Marathon and to eat kudu sausages. It was an awesome, painful experience, and the sausage was okay too.  At that time, US politics were leading up to the devastating election of Putin’s puppet, and were making global news.  This was evident from the number of locals that called out to me during the long footrace things like “Don’t vote for Trump!” (I was sporting a USA race singlet, at the time a well-respected uniform).  I really enjoyed South Africa.  There were admittedly places I liked better than others, but I’m pretty sure I refrained from calling Johannesburg a shithole.  I learned a lot of history of this troubled nation, about its Apartheid era, Soweto slums, Mandela’s prison island, etc.  However, I did not come away from the visit thinking about the poor white farmers.  Leave it to the truly empathetic among us, Tucker Carlson, Donald Trump, David Duke, and Richard Spencer, to recognize the real victims.

People feared that Trump would focus all his efforts on American interests only, to the exclusion of the global community. That he would neglect our allies across our borders and overseas, negating alliances that have kept the world safe and stable.  Our very stable genius is not that myopic.  There are white people in dark places that need his help, and they will not be ignored by this administration, like they’ve been ignored by our racist presidents of the past.

After Pompeo does his part to rectify the horrible injustice of colonial white power losing its grip on 90% of the land and wealth of South Africa, the Trump Team has a few logical follow-ups:

• First, the Nazis who worked very hard to take the treasures from the German and Polish Jews, only to have their plunder taken away after the fact, should be given back what they rightfully stole. To the victors go the spoils, as long as Victor is white and victims are not (or at least not white enough).

 

• Second, reparations should be made to the displaced plantation owners of yore. That jerk Lincoln decimated their livelihood. An easy wealth redistribution is to take the money away from those unpatriotic, spoiled athletes and give it back to the good ole boys of the deep south. America was truly great pre-civil war. If an athlete will not stand proudly and salute Trump’s flag, then they will be put to work in the fields, displacing those illegal Mexicans who are taking our wages and sending them south of the border, when they’re not raping and murdering. It’s time to crack the whip!

 

• Third, the Civil War was an unnecessary division of our great nation, that should have been avoided. There were good people on both sides of the battles, yet we’ve unfairly vilified the boys in gray. Sad! To right this wrong, for every Union leader decorated with a dollar bill (Grant, Lincoln), there will now be a commensurate Confederate marker (Lee, Jefferson Davis). Robert E. Lee will be the face of a new $75 bill, since everyone knows he was twice the general that Grant was, and that Donald is not very good at math. By the same logic, Jeff D. will get a $7.5 bill. For every reference to Frederick Douglass, we’ll balance it with our hero Jim Crow. They both continue to do excellent work.

 

• Fourth, it’s time to stop this unfair practice of allowing Indians to run casinos. It’s un-American to not let the best businessmen ruin run the shows. All Indian casinos will be converted to Trump properties, under his eminent domain. (Eminent Domain, for those who don’t know, means that our Eminence, DJT, has domain over all others).

 

• Fifth, it’s time to pardon more unfairly persecuted friends of the family. Paulie Manafort is a loyal subject. He has suffered enough. It’s time to get him out of jail and back into ostrich clothing. Nastya Rybka is a sweet girl. Let’s get her out of the cage in Thailand, and on a plane to the White House. Her talents will go far here. There’s a post for her working under Melania’s Be Best campaign. Sure, it’s a bit outside of our jurisdiction, but she’s white, so we care. The resources that were spent to get a dozen cheap kids out of a cave, and this beautiful girl has been locked up for months?! Shameful. And Oscar Pistorius. A guy without legs can hardly stand his ground. How unfair is it for him to be blamed for shooting someone? In a shithole country where they kill the good white farmers, how can you blame a cripple celebrity from fearing for his life? More pardons will follow shortly, but these are a good start.

 

• Sixth, do you know what the trade deficit is with Wakanda? I’m told it’s $500 billion. They are totally taking advantage of us. No more. From now on, we will be adding a tariff of 25% on all vibranium, steel, aluminum, and blood diamonds from Wakanda. They need to start buying more of our soy, guns, and coal.

 

• Finally, Hillary Clinton must be locked up, once and for all eternity. 90% of all problems in the US can be linked back to the dirty Clintons and their nefarious scams (pizza, emails, dossiers, Monica). The other 10% were Obama’s fault. With HRC secured in Gitmo, our nation will be safe again. While freedom of speech will always be the right of all Americans, hate speech is too divisive. From this point forward, anyone who utters her name will be subject to fines and/or imprisonment, depending on the context. Only once the H-word is removed from our collective consciousness can we move forward as a unified, Great America.

These seven steps will fix a lot of the ugliness around the world. Kushner will work out the specifics, and put these into motion along with Pompeo and Stephen Miller.

But as for me, I fear that if I ever get the opportunity to return to South Africa to complete the Comrades journey (it’s only half over, having done the down direction of the run; you’re supposed to do both directions to earn full credit), I’ll be forced to sport a gay maple leaf and have to say ‘Eh a lot.