In yet another shameless witch hunt, the media is fake-newsing a good man, besmirching the smirking hero of the EPA*, Mr. Scott Pruitt. No, strike that, let’s call him Sir Scott Pruitt, as it’s only a matter of time until history values his valor and he is knighted. In the meantime, I will be the second (after our commander in chief) to stand in to defend Sir Scott’s legacy in Washington and beyond.
*We are formally calling it the EPA now, and not the Environmental Protection Agency. It’s a rebranding effort, like KFC. Whereas the Colonel wanted to dissociate their product from actual chicken (per the Snopes disproven rumors), we don’t want to mislead people into thinking the EPA has anything to do with protecting the environment.
Some “people” (if we can call them that) argue that Scott Pruitt’s lavish spending at the expense of taxpayers and luxe living on the dole of lobbyists make him the epitome of the governmental swamp that Sir Donald (again, predicting a future title here) vowed to drain. Others take exception to Pruitt’s assault on the bureaucratic red tape that hinders American businesses in the name of follies such as clean drinking water or clean air, when this department godhead knows better than anyone that big government doesn’t mandate standards for water or air; only God can control these things. Global warming may be part of God’s plan for the planet to get rid of some obnoxious polar bears and other animals that cannot be commercially put on the dinner plate, or it may be China’s hoax. Either way, only a fool would fall for the fallacy of thinking that ‘Merica should spend money trying to alter the planet’s path. Scott’s no fool in this regard. Superman could alter the planet’s path, or that God guy, but not our government. It’s none of Uncle Sam’s business. Business is best left to the businessmen (and maybe an occasional businesswoman, if her father is the President), who truly appreciate what’s best for everyone.
So, to this end, let’s talk about Sir Scott’s defense from those “people”, who we all know are really deep state operatives hell-bent on destroying the greatness of ‘Merica, or crazy Californians, because no one in between those coastal liberal hotbeds of hotheads is as offensive.
Swamp – Is Scott Pruitt bringing back the swamp to DC? And if so, is this a bad thing? For those unaware, the District of Columbia was originally a swampy place. Swamps are low-lying areas of uncultivated ground where water collects, per google swamp definition. Wetlands are lands consisting of marshes or swamps. So the environmentalists always obsessed with protecting the wetlands should be embracing Pruitt’s swamp efforts!
If you drain a swamp, you get a dried out land of arid emptiness. Think Oklahoma. If you hate the DC swamp BS, Scott’s your man! He’s from Oklahoma, and his interests will turn the tides of those elite coasts into oil-drilling rigged wastelands!
Clean Water – Flint, Michigan recently received a lot of attention because people didn’t like the water coming out of their taps. Two possible solutions: 1. Big Government gets in the middle of it, and tears up miles of infrastructure to run new pipes, disrupting thousands of lives, at the expense of all Americans. 2. Instead of having locals pay their water bills and increased taxes (boo, hiss), they take their hard-earned money and buy some quality bottled water. This bottled water is an American business, that provides jobs for good people, unlike those bastards in the government (Sir Scott excluded, of course).
Clean Air – Again, it’s a simple choice. Do you want to drive a faggoty, Japanese electric car, or a man’s ‘Merican made hemi-engine truck? Really no choice. Carbon Dioxide feeds the trees, so what the fuck are those tree-huggers complaining about? Scott gets it. He’s like the canary in the coal mine, staying ahead of a dangerous path to protect real men and American values from those sneaky foreigners trying to take our jobs.
Controversies – Let’s tackle these one at a time:
- Soundproof Booth – When you are as important as he (and unless your first name is Donald, you are not), you cannot share your words with the world at large. Remember how Crooked Hillary tried sharing top government secrets with the Chinese? Well, Scott’s secret phone booth cannot be intercepted like she-devil’s server. Besides, Superman always needed a phone booth for quick changes… see where I’m going here?
- Staff Raises – Wouldn’t you want to work for a boss who found loopholes to get you more money? How is this considered a bad thing? Loyalty like this should be commended and rewarded. Just ask the big boss (the orange guy, not God).
- Discounted Rent – You could argue that Scott took a handout from a lobbyist in the form of ridiculously low rent on a room in Capitol Hill. Or you could argue that he stuck it to the same lobbyist by not playing their games and not paying his rent. If he was in their pocket, why would they have to change the locks?
- Travel expenses – our knight in oil-shined armor does not fly coach. That’s like trying to put Baby in the corner. Patrick Swayze wouldn’t stand for it, and neither should we.
- Security – Lot of haters out there. And they’re out of control. Do we wish that everyone could come together and celebrate Scott Pruitt annually? April 22nd seems like a good day for it. But until such time, security is a necessary means to keeping the evil at bay. In the meantime, the good will keep drilling at bays and oceans.
- Using lights and sirens to speed through traffic – First, Scott is being practical by having his drivers use lights and sirens to safely protect others and (most importantly) himself from motor vehicle accidents while speeding through traffic. Would you rather that he had his drivers run red lights without sirens? That could be catastrophic. Second, he is in such a hurry to do his job that he doesn’t have time to wait at intersections. We should all be so diligent.
- There is no 7th controversy, and even the first six are fake news. But since six is the number of the beast, and Scott is a man of God, we will not support Satan by stopping there.
In summary, it’s high time that Pruitt bend the knee before his boss, bow his head, and suck an old orange dick that tastes like Stormy Daniels be knighted.
[7/5/18 – P.S. Today I learned that Sir Scott has resigned his position as the ultimate defender of the (oil business) environment. Fear not, good people, because everyone knows that characters like Swamp Thing never really disappear or die; they take a brief hiatus before reappearing in a new production. I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of future President Pruitt. That’s right, you read it here first.]
Traipse Reports - Trips and Races 