Perusing the classics at the large Library of Alexandria, I stumbled across The Screwtape Letters, the 1942 short effort by C.S. Lewis. If you’re going to pick up a classic, I find it’s best to find a short one. This satire checked in at roughly 160 pages. I have a friend who spent months fighting a whale of a tale in Moby Dick. Call him Ishmael. Not me. Les Miserables? Sounds miserable.
Anyway, I knew nothing of the story, but the premise sounded interesting: a senior devil (not the Devil) corresponds with a junior acolyte in guiding him in his efforts to convert a “patient” to their side of eternal damnation. Religious satire, highlighting human frailties of egotism, written over 75 years ago, it sounded still relevant today.
Even more intriguing, as I flipped through a few early pages, some loose letters slipped out of the book. They were written in some funny glyphs or runes or gibberish, but I persisted in deciphering the language because it was a mystery, and an excuse not to have to read a classic book. Turns out the letters in the letters were Cyrillic (Russian – I was close with the guess of runes). Clearly, I don’t read Russian, nor do I speak it, but I was definitely curious as to what these carefully hidden letters said. I say carefully hidden because who has even heard of The Screwtape Letters? Checking the stamps in the back, the book had gone unchecked out since 1987. The book was not as dusty as you’d expect after thirty plus years on the shelf, so I suspected the letters were more recent. Or they dust more frequently than I do at home. Time to Google translate! Note that any inanities, inconsistencies, incongruities, or insanities that follow are clearly the fault of Google translate, and not me. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
From what I gathered off the floor, the letters were no longer in any particular order. The chronology therefore does not always make sense, but the sequence is the way the pages were collected by me. Each was signed VP, BAR. I’m not sure what this means, but I’m guessing the last part is Burn After Reading? Clearly his comrades did not follow directions very well.
Letter 1
Comrade P,
Our mission is of paramount importance. The future of our greatest nation relies upon our success in showing the rest of the world how feeble your “land of freedom” really is. I’m glad that you’ve ingratiated yourself with our chosen candidate. We’ve had our eyes and ears on him for a long time, plus fingers in other places.
I know we talked about TC being the pawn, but that was before he opened his mouth and proved to be too toxic for everyone. I trust the three-eyed fish from Chernobyl more than that guy. What an asshole! Even I would have to vote for the devil woman before that dick from Texas. It was a good time to move on.
No, our Apprentice is much better. People like the fact that he knows nothing about politics. I can’t decide who is dumber – the know-nothing candidate or the fools who support him. We will exploit them both. As I’ve said, we planted this seed many years ago. He’s been to Moscow several times, and we’ve even bailed him out of some foolish real estate ventures over the years. He owes me “bigly”.
Plus, his eldest son, affectionately known as The Idiot, has gotten into trouble with us enough times to fill a Dostoyevsky novel. Much like yourself, Jr. is a useful tool for filling his father’s head with delusions of grandeur. Keep him in the know, by which I mean what little he needs to know to be dangerous. Not too much, because he retains less than a sieve.
The daughter, she we will not touch. She is an agent of chaos without our influence. The Chinese have already secured her services anyway, and we are not prepared to battle them on this front. Her husband is much better. More on him later.
Hope will help. She was handpicked years ago. The old man’s been trying to get in her pants forever, but she knows how to string him along.
By the way, who is this Papadipshit that keeps running his mouth? Get him back in line, now.
VP
BAR
Letter 2
Comrade A,
Of course the meeting at TT was worthless. It was just a ploy to get The Idiot and SIL in the same room with our people, on record. Were you expecting something to happen? You were not paying attention. Nothing of any real substance will be trusted to the inner circle. They would just screw it up. They will play along and try to control their own destiny, but the levers of power are over here.
Sergey’s got the goods. The other emails will be released shortly. Those “missing” emails won’t be part of it. We combed through them, and there was nothing there. The illusion remains much stronger than the boring reality of a bunch of old lady emails about grandkids and charities and other stupid shit that won’t carry anyone’s interest. As far as the Apprentice is concerned, her missing emails are all about him, are the worst thing ever, and need to be made public. Just like Benghazi. Keep him hammering her on this other pointless point. We’ll fill the headlines to support it.
When the meeting story leaks out in time, focus on the orphans. There really aren’t any orphans. We use them as lab rats to develop our future star Olympians. But it’s a good cover story.
VP
BAR
Letter 3
Comrade U,
Of course I am aware of the fallout at Fox News. Who do you think is behind it? Sure, we had our Ailes there, and the Apprentice had his friends, but we are playing for the long game. Sacrifices must always be made to keep the rest of the lemmings in line. That dirty old man was past his usefulness. Rupe’s still in the bag. He’s got a strong team that will whisper sweet nothings into our guy’s ears every day. Pirro’s one of our best manipulators. Hannity’s a buffoon, but like the Apprentice, he’s easily swayed to say what we need him to say. Our RT reporting team will slipstream in the direction FN needs for their “reporting”. By the way, watch out for O’Reilly. His days of spinning for us are winding down. He’s been getting too sloppy.
The most important thing is to continue to notify our Apprentice whenever our message is airing, so he can re-tweet it out himself. We have our queen of diamonds trigger points in the commercials as well. I won’t tell you the specifics, but “I’m loving it.”
Fake news is all around. There’s only one source he can trust. Keep hammering it home with a sickle or a golf club if you need to.
VP
BAR
Letter 4
Comrade L,
Our Apprentice may have removed you from your official position of influence, but do not fret. This actually opens the door for more implicit efforts to steer his leaderless ship. There is more power behind the scenes, being the friendly ear and horse’s ass whisperer. The fools that try to take credit for the Apprentice’s success are always on a short train to disdain. His ego does not allow for the ego of anyone else to see the light of day. This way, with you back in the shadows, you can still be in his ear, working our way to total destruction. But, trust me when I tell you, if you fail again, I will have a special job for you in Siberia.
Where did you find this KC woman? Ordinarily, I’d have expected nothing from a stupid blonde, but she is perfect. Are you sure she is not former KGB? I am amazed you were able to buy her soul for such a low price. She will fill in nicely while you focus on other matters.
Keep your media whore in front of every camera around. But keep the Apprentice away from interviews, except with our people.
The rallies are great. We’ll keep writing his speeches, and you keep dumbing them down for him. We will continue to rouse the rabbles with our own news stories between events, and we’ll have plenty of excitable people in the crowds.
I do not like this Bannon character. He is not on our team. While our interests may align more often than not, he’s doing this damage on his own. Mark my words, the bottom will fall out and he’ll be the loneliest member of their party. No, we need subtlety for the subterfuge. There’s only room for one big mouth in front of the cameras. Same reason we will dump the fat man from Jersey in the Pine Barrens, or wherever it is those guys disappear to.
VP
BAR
Letter 5
Comrade M,
Let’s keep up the reports on her health. I want people believing she is the walking dead. Don’t worry about our Apprentice being a fat, bald blowhard. People see this as a strength – rich white guys with bad toupees are a sign of success there. Sure, I wish he could go shirtless on a horse to show real strength, but such a man would not be the puppet we need at this time. Have him talk up his health, and put out a statement from a doctor about how remarkable he is. You can feed him my vitals if necessary, since they are off the charts.
And have someone on the inside stop the paparazzi from taking so many pictures of his fast food meals. I’ll let him continue with this dangerous diet, because at a moment’s notice, we want to be able to explode his heart, mid golf stroke. The implant is there already, and the McDonald’s garbage is great cover. I just don’t want it getting in the way of our narrative on his opponent’s health. Remember, our Apprentice is as strong as an ox! (And dumber than one).
Also, keep working with your pizza shop story. Seems a little far-fetched, even for such a clearly evil woman, but the gullibility of your people is inestimable. We’ll see how it plays out.
VP
BAR
Letter 6
Comrade A,
“I’m not a puppet, you’re the puppet!” I laughed so hard, I nearly fell off my horse, except I am too much of a man to allow such folly to happen. Great work in preparing our Apprentice for that “debate” or whatever you want to call the spectacle. I expect the “nasty woman” line will stick with voters. This whole “I’m rubber and you’re glue” defense strategy seems to really work with the Americans. We moved past those tactics in our schoolyard days here, but then again, that is just another reason why Mother Russia beats those motherfuckers every time. We’ll keep pulling his strings, and he’ll keep wishing he were a real man. We’re lucky he’s not like that cartoon, or his nose would get us all into trouble.
As for the issue with the women and the groping and harassment, have his people pay off those he can, and continue to deny the rest. Here, we’d just have them disappeared, but we don’t want to raise suspicions, especially with the porn star. She may come in handy later. It’s a shame about BB. He worked hard to get the Apprentice to say such stupid things on tape years ago, and we hoped to use his services again. But that’s the rule of the game – if you get caught, you are on your own.
Speaking of Bills, go ahead with your idea of bringing back his women to embarrass his wife. Can you get Monica there? And tell our Apprentice to keep a lower profile with his mistresses. We can arrange some companionship for him. We know his tastes.
There will be fallout with the weaker gender when this is all over, but that too works for the long term goal. It’s about time USA gets its own Pussy Riot. We have people already making the hats.
VP
BAR
Letter 7
Comrade N,
Today you can celebrate. This is a momentous occasion. Our hard work has paid off, and the future for our great motherland is grand. I am watching the shocked people react. They have no idea what just hit them. Fools. But we know. And we know what’s coming next.
Again, take the day off. Tomorrow we start working on the next phase of the plan.
VP
BAR
Letter 8
Comrade A,
Of course I’m familiar with the Steele Dossier. Who do you think wrote it? Chris is not on our payroll. He’s just another tool we used to send a message. Yes, we fed him some facts, but most were impossible to prove. This means that the Apprentice’s supporters will never believe them, and his detractors will never be able to win them over. Again, divide and conquer. A house divided cannot stand. Both Jesus and Lincoln understood this, if nothing else of value. Our Apprentice does not follow the lessons of either. He only listens to that little voice in his head, which is how we like it. Keep singing praises to him and decrying the injustices wrought by everyone else.
Fake news and witch hunt will be the defense lines. The American prudes will get so wet and hot about the golden showers, they’ll ignore the real scandals. Steele’s tabloid is nothing. The good stuff will stay locked away until we don’t need the Apprentice anymore.
VP
BAR
Letter 9
Comrade F,
Yes, I am well aware of the names in consideration for this secretary of state position in our Apprentice’s administration. We will continue to call him our Apprentice, despite his successful election, because his ascendancy to a position of true power depends on how he performs for us. He can either thrive under our thumb, or he’ll be “fired”. We made him, and we can quickly unmake him when we choose. But for the role of secretary of state, we want an ambassador we know and trust to continue the mission of depositioning America. RT is our man. He’s an old oil-hand who knows just enough to be counted on to keep quiet. He’ll undo the department embassy by embassy, state by state, until America First becomes America Only, while the rest of the world carries on without them. We can ill afford another nosy needler interfering with our operations. That’s why we had to work so hard on this election in the first place. We’ve worked with RT before. He knows how to promote the bottom line for his accounts. As for trying to do any real work, it is not in his makeup. Mittens might have been trouble, but I trust that you’ll remind the Apprentice of his previous insults. He never forgets an insult, even if he can hardly remember a fact.
As for the other cabinet names we’re considering:
- The energy guy who has no idea that he’s responsible for maintaining the nukes is another brilliant selection. I feel like we’re playing chess with Checkers the dog. Don’t worry, we will bring you back before the mushroom clouds.
- TP for Health and Human Services? We know his Price. He’ll be out inside of a year.
- BD for Education is another pick so bad we couldn’t have done better. She isn’t working for us, even though she works for us well. Same for the brainless surgeon at HUD. We’ve whispered some names, and the Apprentice has taken it as gospel.
- The EPA goon is going to help convince our Apprentice that the Paris Accord is a bad deal. This will further isolate America, while we play along with the French tree huggers. Your job here is to continue this mantra about global warming actions being bad for the hotel businesses.
- The general is another patsy. We made him rich. God made him stupid. The combination will make him untouchable in short order.
- JS for DOJ? Another lapdog of ours. The Apprentice laps up all the drooling praise. Plus, he can kick the dog when he’s mad, and it won’t bite back.
- But the piece de resistance is the S-I-L. This dipstick will stick his dip into everything from Israel to China to Mexico to international businesses. We’ve got our leverage on him (just like everyone else), but he’ll do more damage trying to do what he thinks is right, when he’s not trying to do something shady. Either way, we win. He couldn’t read his way out of his own newspaper.
It really is an all-star cast of losers. They will MAGA for sure.
VP
BAR
Letter 10
Comrade O,
Which dumb fuckstick told our boy that it would be a good idea to get rid of the boy scout? I don’t spell everything out for you morons, because some things are supposed to be fucking obvious. I want names. Someone is not sticking to the script, and I know it’s not the Apprentice, because he can barely read on his own. Things are about to heat up now, and I’m not talking about global warming.
VP
BAR
Letter 11
Comrade R,
It is time to unleash the Wolff. He’s collected enough dirt to cloud the airwaves for the next few months. This will be our smokescreen for some international movements that are above your pay grade. I’ve read the drafts; there’s nothing lasting here. Still, it will shake up our Apprentice and push him to some more overreactions where we need him to go. Remember my warning on Bannon? Everything happens for my reasons.
This fire and fury is just a drill. The real fireworks won’t start for another two years. In the meantime, bunker down and stay focused. Keep the people talking. If they stop, we’ll just manufacture their insider stories. It doesn’t make a difference. You can make this stuff up.
VP
BAR
Letter 12
Comrade T,
I know you are feeling the pressure of the investigation. This is normal. Do not give in. The country club prisons there are nothing. You do not know pressure until you’ve been to a Gulag. You do know that those are still in operation? I do not threaten. You will likely be pardoned. If not, you will serve your time like a man. If not, enjoy your polonium tea.
VP
BAR
I admit, I was shaking by the time I was done reading all of these little love notes. I copied them at the library, tried to reinsert them back into the book and it back onto its shelf, before checking out of there in a hurry. Is our VP an evil manipulator? I always thought he was just a homophobic hoosier hick. And how many comrades does he have hanging out in an Alexandria library? One thing’s for sure – I’m staying away from the classics for a while. When’s the new Christopher Moore book coming out?
Traipse Reports - Trips and Races 