Ode to Foles – The Hero We Deserve

“I see a mountain at my gates. I see it more and more each day.  What I give it takes away.  Whether I go or when I stay… Dark clouds gather round.  Will I run or stand my ground?… Gimme my fate, gimme my lungs, gimme my voice, You keep me coming around.”  Foals

The New England Patriots, despite their obnoxious fan base and their reputation for bending rules, are a true sports dynasty. They cast a long shadow over the rest of the league, sitting atop their peak, looking down on the valley of mediocre teams in their umbrage, like a star athlete prom king would his wannabe classmates, like you’d expect from someone who looks like and plays like Tom Brady.

Nick Foles is no Tom Brady. Brady is the (prom) king; Foles is the combination of Dax Shepard and BoJack Horseman.  He’s also been compared to Napoleon Dynamite.  Even Nick is a weak name.  Everyone knows that nicknames came about because people named Nick wanted alternative, cooler-sounding names.  (Etymologically, this is completely untrue).

Brady = Jordan, Ali, Gretzky, Federer = G.O.A.T. (or J.A.G.F. (jagoff?)). But none of them went undefeated (though Jordan’s record in the finals, six for six is pretty close).  Foles can be like Trevor Berbick or Juan Martin del Potro or Father Time or Eli Manning, getting one from the big guy (Berbick beat Ali in his last fight, after he was ~75 years old* – need to re-watch Coming to America for exact figures; del Potro is the only guy not named Nadal or Djokovic to ever beat Roger in a grand slam final; Eli is heretofore Brady’s only SB bester; Father Time eventually catches everyone, even Dick Clark).  Trevor and Juan and Eli were not superior to their seniors, but they were good enough on the given day to take away a big trophy / title / victory / bit of history.

*Ali was actually only 39 years old when he realized that it was foolish to continue fighting. He was 12 years older than Berbick.  Five years later, TB (the boxer) fought a guy 12 years his junior, who proceeded to kick his ass (an obscure young fighter named Mike Tyson).  Brady is 11.5 years older than Nick, and older than Ali was in his last fight.

It’s a team sport, and not a head to head matchup of QBs under center. There are quite a few other players in the same uniform that have their contributions to the final outcome.  Hopefully the guys in the striped shirts with flags won’t be swaying the results.  But the heaviest expectations rest on the slim shoulders of the 29 y.o. kid from Texas.  Nick is actually listed as 6’-5” / 244 lbs (3.17 lbs / inch) to Brady’s 6’-4” / 225 lbs (2.96 lbs / inch), but doesn’t Foles look scrawnier?  This pvi (pounds per vertical inch) demonstrates that Nick is under more pressure than Tom, though there may be some deflation on the Pats’ part to account for this.  The team from Philly has not won a Super Bowl since -VII years before the Super Bowl even existed (what’s the Roman Numeral for negative 7?).  In old man Brady’s lifetime, Philadelphia has won 3 titles to Boston’s 13, across all major sports.  Sure, there are cities sorrier than Philly, (sorry Cleveland and Minnesota), but none of them are presently in a position to potentially beat the Pats, so they are moot at this moment (and most other times as well).  There are also cities with equal or even more success historically than Boston, but the Yankees haven’t been as relevant lately, and no one outside the obnoxious NE fans ever bemoaned Eli’s upsets.  So we’re talking here about David (Foles, Philly) vs (Tom, Boston / New England) Goliath.

Foles, like the leader he follows in Wentz, is a man of faith. Remember the joke about how God once gave Tebow the power to beat Pittsburgh, but even he wasn’t omnipotent enough to overcome Brady?  Well Tom’s deal with the devil has got to end sometime, regardless of how many low-wage Patriots employees he may sacrifice to the football gods*.  While it would be entertaining to witness Giselle chasing Tom and clubbing his Escalade a la Elin catching Tiger by the tail, such a scandalous fall from grace is not the norm (nor should it be.  Schadenfreude is not nice).  Though it would make more sense for Tom to smash old cell phones to hide his mistresses rather than stupid texts about football pressures…  No, we are not wishing for the end of Tom’s perfect life with his perfect wife; just the end of his fellowship of the rings.  For fuck’s sake, five is enough!  Any more, and he’ll overtake Sauron.  It’s time for Frodo Foles to poke him in the eye, metaphorically.

*No one has ever convincingly proven that Tom Brady is not the antichrist.

Foles had a magical (partial) season in 2013. He put up MVP-caliber numbers in relief for an injured Michael Vick after Game 5, taking over the position and ending the season with 27 touchdowns to 2 interceptions.  This was better than Brady’s previous record for best TD / INT ratio.  (In your pretty face, Tommy!)  The season ended when Drew Brees and company edged out the Birds in their first playoff game, though Foles played well in the loss.  Nick also nabbed the Pro Bowl Offensive MVP award, for what it’s worth (a GMC truck, according to Wikipedia).  And this was under the “leadership” of Chip Kelly, so imagine how good he would have been with a real coach!  Note:  Jeff Fisher is not such a coach.  Also note that Tom Brady never won the Pro Bowl MVP!  (League MVP 2x; Super Bowl MVP 4x; Pro Bowl MVP – Goose Egg – What a loser!).

Foles followed it up with a less impressive 2014, as his coach dismantled the offensive weapons around him because they weren’t from Oregon. Nick’s season ended after injury in Week 8 and he was traded for a much healthier QB named Sam Bradford in the offseason.  Good call, Chip!  Foles realized that playing for any other team was just not as much fun, and his non-Eagles stats reflected as much.

He then came back to Philly this year for another magical fill-in effort. Clearly, being QB is hard.  It’s like being the starting pitcher.  Not everyone is cut out for the wear and tear, long season.  Some are just meant to be strong relievers.  Foles may be such a position player.  Don’t ask him to start sixteen games.  But give him a shortened season, and watch out!  Let’s call him Mitch Williams!  Wait, let’s find a different nickname.  His relief effort this season for Carson has carried the Eagles to a 4 and 1 record over the last 5 games (even counting the loss from the meaningless Dallas game in Week 17, which though was weak, was not a full effort for anyone).  Over the last 24 starts for Philly, he’s been 18-6, with 51 TD to 14 INTs, give or take (check the math to be sure).  Wentz’s career numbers in Philly – 18-11, 49 TD to 21 INTs.  Tom Brady once filled in for an injured star quarterback, and that worked out okay for everyone not named Drew.  Hopefully Wentz doesn’t go the way of Bledsoe, because who wants to go to Buffalo?

On Any Given Sunday, Al Pacino can overact like a champ, and occasionally guys not named Tom Brady can hoist a championship trophy. Why not Nick?

Perhaps Foles can’t be on the same level as Brady and the other GOATs. But he can still be darn good, like Flo-Jo, Oscar, Lemieux, Earvin, Spitz.  They are all HOFers, and wouldn’t you rather be FOLES than a jagoff?  No, Foles probably won’t live up to any of these all-timers either.  But he can still earn a ring!  As long as he’s better than the likes of Nash, Iverson, Charles, Kaepernick (none in championship kinship).  You can do it NICK!