Did you know that the average person farts fourteen times a day? It’s nice to know that I am above average for a change. Farting is a necessary release, venting the crap we have inside. Kind of like tweeting, for some people, who feel it necessary to unleash their fumes on the world (kind of like blogging too, but my readership of two hardly compares, and my frequency of efforts is far fewer. These brain dumps are more like… dump dumps). What do farts and tweets have in common? Short random bursts, usually uninvited, (almost always) from assholes, helping their sender to feel more free and liberated and less bottled up, while others wish they’d keep it to themselves. Where am I going with this?
Did you know that Donald Trump tweets somewhere between six (in his first year) and twelve (during his campaign) times a day, on average? With his healthy diet of Big Macs, Filets of Fish, and chocolate milkshakes, it’s a wonder it’s not more frequently. He needs some way to decompress, or that ginormous orange head of his is likely to literarily explode (and by literarily, I mean in the literal literary sense, in the form of writing fictitious alternative facts).
What’s the correlation between Trump’s flatulence and his tiny fingers uncaging xxx thousand tweety birds in the last couple of years? Just a half-baked theory that Trump farts through his Twitter account. You know how some old people just stop caring and let loose their loud rippers at will? Whereas others try to stifle them for the appropriate time? Trump is beyond the age of caring, as if he ever had a filter or modicum of decorum. You can put lipstick (or an expensive, ill-fitting suit) on a pig… The problem with free-farting or stream of consciousness tweeting is that both can lead to shitty accidents. One may take the form of needing to change your underwear, whereas the other may lead you to hide out under there, in preparation for a nuclear bomb. Thanks, Dotard.
Famous farts in history (a fun google search – really, big brother IT, it was important research for work!) – according to an interesting article, https://www.thedailybeast.com/how-a-fart-killed-10000-people, apparently an insulting toot from Roman times led to a chain of events culminating in the death of 10,000 people. It would be even more impressive if a single (SBD) fart took out that many. Trump’s finger fart attacks on North Korea seem destined to leave this tally in the dust, along with vast swaths of the planet. At least the nuclear holocaust will support his argument that there are bigger problems than pollution. MAGA – Mankind’s Approaching Global Annihilation.
On a lighter note (and completely off-track), my favorite fart story was of my father in his high school gym class, letting loose an inopportune loud anal tune during bicycle kicks (on your back, legs in the air, spinning), for which a classmate was mistakenly blamed. Years later, still laughing as he told the tale, the classy old man was unapologetic (apologies are for losers, you know). That scapefarted classmate? If you guessed Donald Trump, then you were way off. Without naming names, just know that he died alone, outcast and abandoned for a butt chime he didn’t commit.
Fart science / finger sweat – It may seem a tenuous link between the POTUS Twitter account and his anus, but bear with me. A fart is generally recognized as the escape of gas from the digestive system from either swallowing too much air while eating or from chemically breaking down foods during digestion, with nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, methane and sulfide byproducts. Cracking your knuckles pops / unleashes air bubbles, and isn’t a fart basically an air bubble? Ergo cracking your knuckle is already a type of finger farting (or whatever other joint you pop). If your entire being is an asshole, then why would your need to off-gas be limited to your posterior? If you eat shit and burp, aren’t you really just farting from your mouth? If you are completely full of shit, then wouldn’t the emanations from every orifice or pore be essentially a fart? Deep questions, I know. Trust me on this, I have the same scientific background as most of the science advisors for Trump’s cabinet (to save you on the research, print out this article, single-sided to maximize waste, then flip it over, and you’ll be holding the same certificate). I found a second definition of flatulence to be “self-importance; pomposity” (American Heritage Medical Dictionary) – I rest my case, but not my shit-flinging fingers.
Some more hard-hitting questions: Isn’t there a link between farts and carbon dioxide and methane? Yes. And a link between carbon dioxide and methane and greenhouse gases? Yes. And didn’t Al Gore and a small cabal of scientists (97% of the sneaky bastards) draw some damning parallels between all of these things and the destruction of mankind’s planet? (No one is arguing that the Earth itself won’t survive – just that most people (and much less importantly, animals) won’t survive the changed Earth that follows their flawed models). Yes, but what do those people who have spent their lives studying these things know about God’s master plan? Who you gonna trust? Our currency tells you in four simple words: In God We Trust. To doubt that is un-American.
Then there are heroes like Scott Pruitt. He sees through the corruption of Obama’s EPA with its evil attempts to monitor and limit greenhouse gas emissions from energy companies. Besides working to MAGA (Make America’s Gas Affordable? Make All God Adherents?), what else motivates him? Where am I going with this? CONSPIRACY THEORY!! – Donald Trump and Scott Pruitt are colluding to keep the big man’s little underhanded farts under wraps! You heard it here first (assuming Alex Jones or the Simpsons didn’t beat me to it). Scott Pruitt is not just a soulless whore for the fossil fuel industry. He is really a loyal employee, who happens to also be a soulless whore for the fossil fuel industry. And the shit coming from Trump’s fingers is going to kill us all.
So what’s the Gas-X for Twitter? How can we convince Melania to add some Depends to the Donald’s loose wardrobe to prevent unintended crap from escaping this blowhard windbag asshole? Finger condoms? As far as I know, no one’s been pulling his finger or otherwise soliciting this shit. Except for his millions of minions following his accounts. They are pulling his freakishly frail finger, voraciously eating up every output like fried chicken on Air Force One.
Donald’s Twitter count slowed after his busy year of campaigning. He’s been too busy his first year in office, you know, playing golf xxx times. Seriously, I slack at work all the time, and my job is a lot less demanding than leader of the free world, and I can’t figure out how to play more than a small handful of times per year. How does he small-handedly handle so many links? But it’s better that he’s out hitting the clubs than re-tweeting violent rhetoric, such as images of himself hitting golf balls at Hillary. I’m not hypocritically judging him for golfing (what kind of jackass would do that?); just wondering where he finds the time. I guess there is a void between Fox & Friends and Hannity that must be filled somehow.
Mr. President’s advisors (I know Trump doesn’t read anything longer than a tweet), I implore you. Admittedly, there is no science-based or evidence-based backup to support this vulnerable theory; it is like a fetus at this stage, not sure which of the diversity of options it will go with (like a confused, transgender theorem), lacking entitlement to breathe fresh, fart-free air. But if it is nonetheless true that tweeting releases chemicals from his fingers (that should otherwise be blown out his ass), maybe by not tweeting, he can retain these special toxins nutrients (gas = power!) and his tiny hands will grow to match the outsized image he has of his hands in his own mind! Tweet softly and carry some big hands, as Roosevelt never said or imagined. No tweeting leads to larger digits leads to a better ability to flip a yuge middle finger to the left-leaning media without causing them to laugh! It’s a win-win situation. Now back to that next tee shot.
TLDR yet? Too bad, because I’ve got more. My tank’s not yet on empty. After Chipotle for lunch today, I’m gassed up to keep going with these stinky jokes. Not to pile on, but why won’t Trump’s team allow the dishonest media to see him golfing? Another theory: Trump golfs like Spaulding Smails “Double Farts!!” See what’s happened here? I’ve come full circle. Trump golfs and tweets and eats shitty foods. He golfs angry, tweets angry, and either ejects flatulence and profanities on the golf course, or emits them from his fingertips onto what has to be a rancid keypad on his old-school cell phone.
But while we’re at it, since SNL hasn’t picked up my reimagining of A Few Good Men with the Donald filling Nicholson’s iconic role (Code Red, if you’re interested), how about someone runs with a reimagining of Caddyshack for the modern age? Trump’s clearly Judge Smails (setting aside his double fart Spaulding tantrums), with Mar a Lago his Bushwood; Melania is Lacey Underall; Don Jr. is spoiled Spaulding; Barron gets to be Danny, the tortured soul torn between letting the evil Judge / Trump help him versus standing up to him and showing integrity; Jared takes the part of Tony D’Annuzio (the greaser caddy that thinks he’s hot shit); the rich guy that’s morally / physically superior (Ty Webb) can be Marc Cuban or Jeff Bezos or Michael Bloomberg or… pretty much anyone you can think of outside Trump’s administration; but who can fill Rodney’s shoes? And does Bill Murray reprise Carl Spackler? First I figured Obama as the unorthodox outsider that crashes Trump’s party. Can you think of anyone who would better ruin his private (dare I say white?) club? But Barack’s too classy to stoop to playing Donald’s foil. Rosie O’Donnell would surely cause a scene, but she’d be too hard to root for as well (we’d want both Rosie and Donnie to play the part of the priest finishing the round of his life). Finally, I arrived at Lin-Manuel Miranda. Minority – check. Funny – check. Liberal – check. Infuriating to Trump – checkmate. He may have been born in New York, but his heritage is Puerto Rican, so I can see Trump demanding to check his passport / birth certificate (since PR is not part of DT’s USA). Which leaves us with the incompetent, babbling groundskeeper. Is it too enabling to offer this role to Sean Spicer? Chris Christie? How do you play the scene where Trump tosses his club in anger? Does he admit to small hands?
As for the whole heavy theme of Barron / Danny, pulled between two diametric forces, was this similar to Luke’s choice between the light and dark side of the force? Do I dare stretch it further to compare Donald to Darth (Bannon’s his ugly emperor, or Putin)? Not today. But wouldn’t it be wonderful if the poor (super rich) kid grew up and recognized what a complete fracking a-hole his old man was, as opposed to his sycophantic sicko older half-siblings? One can only hope.
Not sure why it was necessary to waste an extra 318 +/- words on that whole Caddyshack paragraph, other than the fact (not to be confused for an alternative fact) that it is still one of the best comedies of all time. And in these days of tragedy, don’t we need to look back to the good ole days when we could laugh at stuck-up rich guys who golfed too much getting their comeuppance, without fear of that orange snowflake using his farting finger to push a button to blow us all to hell? This stinks. But before any other world “leaders” or otherwise powerful people overreact to one of Trump’s offensive tweets, please remember, he’s just passing gas. Do what you’d do in person; make a face, hold your breath, and let it pass.
Traipse Reports - Trips and Races 