Who needs sleep? Well you’re never gonna get it. – BNL
No, you’re never gonna get it. – En Vogue.
Have you met Ted? By now you know that he is the cutest baby ever. But did you know that he has a funny looking penis? First chink in the armor, Ted. When the boy learns to read (I trust by the age of three – Asian mom), he’ll probably resent me publishing personal details about his peepee. But by that time (I trust sooner), he’ll probably resent me for much worse anyway.
What a prick
So on day 12 of Teddy’s life, the wife and I got to take him on a road trip to the emergency room at Children’s Hospital. What’s paraphimosis? Glad you asked. Okay, you didn’t ask, but now you get to learn something you never wanted to know. Or you can skip the next paragraph, but where’s the fun in that?
An uncircumcised penis has a flap of skin (foreskin) that covers the head (glans). When the foreskin is pulled back too far, a condition called paraphimosis may occur, where the fold is basically folded over, inflammation occurs, and an unsightly red crown appears at the base of the glans. If the swelling gets too bad, circulation to the head may be constricted, which would be bad. Teddy had something like this. The google told me that it might be paraphimosis and we should seek immediate treatment; the after-hours pediatrician’s office nurse (via phone) told me that the after-hours doctor was not responding, so we should go to the ER. The first ER told me that a urologist should deal with it, but based on age, it should be a pediatric urologist, and there wasn’t a pediatric urologist at their facility, so we should go to another ER. The pediatric urologist at Childrens Hospital (via phone) said that it shouldn’t be paraphimosis, since our kid was circumcised, but that we should have it checked anyway. So we ventured onward on a Saturday night, and Doctor Bayne met us minutes after checking in (new record!), confirmed that it was paraphimosis, squeezed out the inflammation, and re-sheathed Ted’s little head (unfolded the folded over flap). Total procedure took maybe five minutes. Total ordeal took over five hours from first call to pediatrician’s office to finally arriving home after two ER visits (Virginia Hospital and Children’s). Fun times. So what gives?
Sai and I had argued about whether or not to have young Theodore circumcised. And by argue, I mean that a few months before his birth, she asked my opinion, I gave it, she said that she would defer to me, then she proceeded to second-guess my opinion up to (and after) it was done. But not well done. Medium rare? Maybe I should start over. My dad’s Jewish. That makes me half-Jewish. That makes Teddy a quarter Jewish (not too shabby). Dad was circumcised. So was I. So was Teddy. Though I couldn’t care less about any religious rationalizations (please God, don’t let my son find religion; when he inevitably tells me to go to hell (again, probably by the age of three), I don’t want him to mean it from an absurd angels and demons standpoint). A circumcised penis has (fractionally) less chance of contracting STDs, penile cancer, and urinary tract infections. At a day or two old, he’ll never remember the pain. So why not? That was my rationale for the procedure.
When I get a haircut, I usually tell them to give it a good trim. Not too short, leave enough to run my fingers through. I don’t know the clipper settings I like, nor care. Sai usually says it’s still too long afterwards. I don’t care. Now with Teddy’s first clipping, I didn’t specify the setting. I didn’t say just take a little off the top. I trusted that they knew what they were doing. (This is the same justification I make when I come home with a bad haircut. I trusted that the professionals knew how much to cut). Did you know that there are circumcision settings? Neither did I. I thought it was all or nothing. Apparently that was the old way. Today, they can leave it a little long, ostensibly to avoid desensitizing the glans (according to our pediatrician, when I grilled him about it a couple of days after the ER visit; this also helps explain why I’ve always been such an insensitive dick). He qualified Teddy’s tool as “barely circumcised”. I guess they used the number 8 guard during his top crop / tip clip / prick nick / penis meanness / pecker wrecker? Doc offered that we could get him trimmed again, but that we should do it soon because the foreskin thickens quickly, and it will definitely be more painful (and memorable) the longer we wait.
Did I mention Sai’s hysterics while we were driving home from the hospital? She was seriously upset that her beautiful baby had a funny looking penis. I assured her that by the time he’s old enough to share his fun-stick with anyone interested in it (I trust by the age of thirty – nerdy parents, though if we’d named him Parin (ladykiller)…; those of us currently trying to avoid getting peed on by him during diaper changes do not count), chances are the other party will not find it offensive. (If she does happen to laugh at it, Teddy should blame his mother’s Asian heritage for it, then pee on the girl. (I’m not limiting the boy’s future sexual options, but if the other party were another guy, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t laugh at it; guys are all too insecure about our own members)). I asked Sai in all seriousness how many penises she’s seen in her life, and how many of them qualified as good looking? She did not answer. So anyway, I initially said circumcise and Sai said no; the hospital somewhat split the difference. Second time around, Sai said circumcise more and I said no; Teddy can undergo a painful procedure when he’s old enough to want it. [Did you hear the one about the guy who was born without eyelids, but the doctor said he could use some foreskin to replace them? Now he’s a little cockeyed.] Son, I’m telling you the same thing I told your hysterical mother. Don’t worry about it, your dick is fine. (Just to be clear, I told Sai that his (Teddy’s) dick was fine. Sai does not have one, unless you count mine, and that has been temporarily decommissioned after delivering the y chromosome to our child).
Why is it that every time Theodore needs a shot, or bilirubin clip, or foreskin flip, or generally any unpleasant experience, his daddy has to hold him? All of his most painful memories are being associated with me. Yet every time he wants a pleasant, rewarding boob-suck, guess who gets to hold him? (No, when he tries to suckle on me, it’s not pleasant for either of us. It was funny the first time, but kiddo, you’ve gotta learn. That dog won’t hunt). When he’s hungry, I’m the one holding the crying baby. She’s the one saving the starving boy and solving his problem. While pregnant, Sai tried to settle most arguments by positing that she had the unborn’s vote on her side too (she had to eat for two, why not vote as two?). Now that he’s out, she’s definitely positioning him to take her side again, since he’s being conditioned to think daddy’s a sadist. Sure, there may be some truth to that, but I am not a fan of hurting him. Whose idea was it to have his penis trimmed? Okay, but… I’m sorry kiddo, guess I do suck.
The Old Two-One Punch
Teddy is pretty smart. Sure, he struggles at times to find his mom’s nipples. Yes, he can’t even take care of himself. But he has mastered this slick trick that is worth noting. First, you’ll be holding him or sitting nearby and you’ll hear some unpleasant bubbling action or smell its aftereffect in little dude’s diaper (#2). Usually, mommy magically disappears to leave you alone with it, and you go to change him, thinking the worst is over. Teddy then unleashes the fury (#1). I won’t say how many times he’s caught me in this trap, but I admire his game. Also, previously I said that I didn’t mind getting peed or pooed on early on in Teddy’s life. Yeah, that wore off. It’s kind of gross now, so kiddo, feel free to knock it off sooner rather than later, please. Even with the diaper guard (blanketing his lap during diaper changes, not for modesty, but for shielding), there is still a second or two of exposure when you remove the cover during application of the new diaper. Teddy has managed to pick this precise moment to spray his semi-circumcised penis. At first I thought Sai was imagining it when she said she noticed a sneaky smile. Now I’m not so sure. Also, is there a difference between being spit up on and being spit upon? The former sounds accidental; the latter malicious. Which is Teddy doing to me on at least a daily basis? I’m now carrying extra shirts in my car to be safe. If only Sai would let me wear my old ugly Hawaiian shirts, the stains would be less noticeable. Speaking of Hawaiian…
Papa’s Little Hapa
Sai looked at one of our baby’s documents, and questioned when it labeled the boy as white. This overlooks half his heritage. When I filled out the paperwork for his birth certificate, I was at first stumped on the Race space. Caucasian is clearly not the whole story. Neither is Asian. Caucasian-Asian? Cauc-Asian? Mixed? Some googly action led to an answer. My boy is a hapa! Half-Asian, Part-American? No, it’s actually a Hawaiian term for a mixed baby, typically half Asian half white. Perfect. Much easier to spell and pronounce than the Thai term of Luk Khrueng, and more generally recognized. Why does it matter? It really shouldn’t, except I heard that Elizabeth Warren received special scholarships for her Native American ancestry (Pocohontas!), so why wouldn’t I set my son up for similar opportunities, based on his birthright? Sai expects him to go to Harvard or similar (no pressure, kiddo), and unless you’re super-rich (we’re not), mostly Asians get in. You can applaud or attack affirmative action all you like, but my boy is still a hapa!
Growing Pains
So what else is happening with our hapa? Theodore will swaddle no more. The kid cannot be contained by blankets or bassinets or anything else! He has taken over our bed, where he sprawls out and kicks his way to freedom. When he was in utero, I encouraged him to kick his mommy to remind her that he was there (as if she could forget). Now ex utero, he still likes to kick his mommy, and she still finds it unfunny. What’s worse is that he also can kick his daddy.
We’ve had several guests stop by to be mesmerized by our beautiful boy (yes, I admit I’m a little biased). Some of them have even seen his pretty dark blue eyes! Most of the time, he’ll sleep through the daytime visitors (still not straight on his days and nights). Only one family felt the need to tell Sai that everything we were doing was wrong. I was glad to have missed their condescending visit. If my wife wants to pick our son up by his ankles and flip him like a pancake, who are they and child protective services to tell her otherwise? Since when is duct-taping him to the toilet because you’re tired of changing diapers a bad idea? And everyone knows that Southeast Asian cultures have always used bamboo sticks to remove long fingernails. In other words, leave us alone. We’re figuring it out. (I’m sure they were well-intentioned.)
I did have to intervene on Theodore’s behalf when one of Sai’s friends started to play spin the bottle with him. Perhaps T. Nirin is quite the Lothario after all. No, she had the privilege of feeding him from a prepared bottle while Sai was indisposed (napping), and kept twisting the bottle around, preventing the poor guy from latching on. I wouldn’t call it a rookie mistake, because anyone who has ever drank anything from a can or cup or bottle or really any receptacle knows that you keep it steady. Clearly she was just mean. I corrected the situation before Teddy had to resort to his passive aggressive technique of peeing on her. For those who have not yet had the privilege of meeting Ted, feel free to join the guest list. Priority is given to those who feed us. Return vouchers may be issued to those who refrain from judging us.
He eats a lot, though he just as often falls asleep mid-meal (when the delivery service is straight from Sai’s source, as opposed to bottles). Sai is in such a state of perpetual feeding and pumping that she’ll often wake up insisting that she just fed or pumped, when it’d been hours. Not sure if she’s dreaming of both activities, or if her internal clock is just completely out of whack with reality. She woke up the other day, amazed that Teddy had slept soundly through the night. Wait, remember the painful period from 2 to 4 a.m. where he cried and ate and cried some more before returning to a short slumber? No idea how she could not recall such fun times with our baby. I expect his first words to be nom mak mama (more milk, mommy).
Sai is sore and tired and short-tempered. Whoever said that postpartum is such sweet sorrow was full of shit. I believe it was Shakespeare, but that bard never made much sense to me. For my part, I made the mistake of complaining to Sai that I was tired one evening. “And I’m not?!” A smarter man than me (not a tall order) would have dropped it at that point. But I persisted, like Elizabeth Warren, (two EW references?) and questioned why she wouldn’t be napping during the day when Teddy does most of his sleeping (not a good option for me at work). Further, I challenged the intelligence of not taking advantage of those prime opportunities. In other words, I am quickly digging a hole, deeper and deeper. I expect to eventually open up back in Thailand, which will feel like home with a bunch of Thai people all around speaking a language I don’t understand. (With the in-laws still in town, I am a minority in my own home).
But one month in, Teddy is doing well. Despite his mommy’s hysterics, his statistics are steady, his weight is increasing, his noises are growing more entertaining (I particularly like when he grunts during some feedings. Our Teddy bear sounds like a little bear). Sai wants me to read every book on the market and watch endless YouTube videos for the very basics: How to bathe the baby – Just like they did in the hospital, soap and water on the outside; How to clean his bottom – Hmmm, wet wipes, wash cloths, soap, water; How to develop his little brain – By making him watch Jeopardy with daddy, of course; Is he latching right? – Yes, he looks like a little barnacle with a boob for the boat; Is he breathing normally? – Yes. Is there something wrong with his legs? – No. When should he get his 24 month vaccinations? – 23 months from now. Who just farted? – Teddy, definitely blame the kid.
Traipse Reports - Trips and Races 