Code Red

The sequel / re-imagining of A Few Good Men.

Picture it: Courtroom Scene.  Special Counsel Robert Mueller (played by Tom Cruise) grilling Commander in Chief (Donald Trump), over whether or not he ordered the Code Red, under which Michael Flynn offered a deal to Russia on sanctions, or why he fired Comey, or gave Classified Intel to Russian spies, or something else; it’s too hard to keep track.  Despite the judge’s clear instructions to DJT that he does not have to answer, Trump can’t help himself and starts rambling…

Mueller:  A moment ago, you said that “I was going to fire Comey — my decision, I was going to fire regardless of recommendation.”

Trump:  That’s right.

Mueller:  And “The Russia-Trump collusion story is a total hoax”?

Trump:  We.  This very expensive GLOBAL WARMING bullshit has got to stop. Our planet is freezing.

Mueller:  Any chance Comey starts leaking to the press?  And if you’re not guilty of a crime, what do you need immunity for, right?

Trump:  It took guts for Director Comey to make the move that he made in light of the kind of opposition he had where they’re trying to protect from criminal prosecution. You know that. It took a lot of guts.

Mueller:  Any chance he forgot about it?

Trump:  No.

Mueller:  Any chance Comey left your office and said, “the old man is wrong”?

Trump:  No.  I am fortunate to have been blessed with great genes — both of my parents had very long and productive lives. But you have to be wrong. I will absolutely apologize, sometime in the hopefully distant future, if I’m ever wrong.

Mueller: When Comey spoke to the FBI and ordered them not to investigate Flynn, any chance they ignored him?

Trump:  I’ll tell you what: What he did, he brought back his reputation. He brought it back.

Mueller:  No, sir.

Trump:  Look at you. You are a pussy.

Mueller:  No, sir.

Trump:  Ever put your pussy in another man’s hands and asked him to put Tic Tacs in yours?

Mueller:  No, sir.

Trump:  The law’s totally on my side, the president can’t have a conflict of interest. It’s that simple. Are we clear?

Mueller:  No, sir?

Trump:  Are we clear?!

Mueller:  Not even close, bub. Donald, I just have one more question before I put Melania on the stand.  If you gave an order that Flynn wasn’t to be touched, and your orders are always followed, then why would Comey be in danger?  Why would it be necessary to fire Comey?

Trump:  He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go.

Mueller:  That’s not what you said. You said he was being fired because he’s a showboat.

Jessup: I never said that. I never said that. Let it go.

Mueller:  You said “He’s a grandstander.” I said “showboat”? You said…

Trump:  I recall what I said.  I never said the word.  Please apologize.

Mueller:  I could have the court reporter read back to you…

Trump:  I know what I said! I don’t have to have it read back to me, I love to read. I don’t get to read very much, because I’m working very hard on lots of different things, including getting costs down. The costs of our country are out of control. I would love to sit down and read a book, but I just don’t have the time anymore.

Mueller:  Then why the pussy-grabbing?  Donald?

Trump:  Sometimes men take matters into their own hands.  Look at those hands. Are they small hands?

Mueller:  No, sir. You made it clear just a moment ago that your men never take matters into their own hands. Your men follow orders or people die. So Comey shouldn’t have been in any danger at all, should he have, Donald?

Trump:  You crude, rude, obnoxious and dumb true loser. You’re fired!

Sessions:  Your honor, I’d like to ask for recess.

Mueller:  I’d like an answer to the question, Judge.

Judge:  The court will wait for an answer.

Mueller:  If Obama gave an order that Flynn wasn’t to be touched, then why did he have to be hired?  Donald?  Mike Pence ordered the Code Red, didn’t he?  Because that’s what you told Mikey to do!

Sessions:  Objection!

Mueller:  And when it went bad, you cut these guys loose! You doctored the facts!

Sessions:  Damn it, Mueller!

Mueller:  You coerced the Director!  You rigged the election!!

Judge:  Consider yourself in contempt!

Mueller:  Donald Trump, did you order the Code Red?!

Judge:  You don’t have to answer that question!

Trump:  I’ll answer the question.  You’re the puppet!  You want answers?

Mueller:  I think I’m entitled!

Trump:  You want answers?!

Mueller:  I want the truth!

Trump:  I can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall.  Who’s gonna do it? You? You, so-called judge?  This judge of Mexican heritage?

I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. I have joined the political arena so that the powerful can no longer beat up on people who cannot defend themselves. Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. I think nobody knows more about taxes than I do, maybe in the history of the world. Nobody knows more about taxes. Nobody knows more about debt. I’m like the king.  Nobody in the history of this country has ever known so much about infrastructure as Donald Trump.  I know more about ISIS than the generals do. Believe me.  There is nobody who understands the horror of nuclear more than me.

We use words like grab them by the pussy. We use these words as locker room banter; when you’re a star they let you do it. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.

And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, makes America great again. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want fake news, you need fake news on that wall.

I would rather you just said people love me. And you know what, I have been very successful. Everybody loves me. Otherwise, I suggest you move on her like a bitch, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to. I love the poorly educated.

Mueller:  Did you order the Code Red?

Trump:  Look, I was going to fire Comey knowing there was no good time to do it.  And in fact, when I decided to just do it, I said to myself — I said, you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made-up story. It’s an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should’ve won.  This is a witch hunt (excuse for big election loss), by media & Dems, of historic proportion! I think the Democrats are putting it out because they suffered one of the greatest defeats in the history of politics in this country.

Mueller:  Did you order the Code Red?

Trump:  You’re Goddamn right I did! Not a puppet!

[Sorry for the overt politicizing.  Usually I try to be a little more subtle.  But I love AFGM, and despise DJT.]